Is one of your friends in love with a married man? Are we talking about you? Either way, we’d love your suggestions for the viewer. Here’s her story…
KP: Welcome to Shoroba, and today I’m reading an email from Beth entitled: I’m In Love With a Married Man. Hello, my name is Beth and I’m in love with Frank who is married to a real witch. Frank says he loves me and we’ve been seeing each other for several years. How can I get him to leave her to be with me? Their children are teens now and I think he should leave now. What’s your advice? - Welcome to Shoroba and today we’re talking about an email entitled: I’m In Love With a Married Man. I’m KP, and on the panel today we have…
Jeremy: I’m Jeremy
Alexandra: And I’m Alexandra.
KP: So what do we think, guys?
Jeremy: Wow! You can’t force anyone to leave. You can’t force them! You can’t force them. That’s… She’s a wishful thinker, and she’s been in this for long enough. Obviously, if she hasn’t seen the light of day by now I really don’t believe that she’s going to. Plus, my guess is he is leading her on, I think we heard that he said he loves her.
KP: Oh yeah.
Jeremy: And so, and I’m not here to say that this marriage is bad or good, that he does or does not love her, but the… the dynamics involved in the situation regardless… He is married, and she’s holding out for somebody who is taken.
KP: Yep. She’s never going to be able to tell him what to do because if it has been this long already… he’s not going to leave.
Jeremy: First of all, this is the other thing I think is deeper than that: If she’s… if this is what she wants and what’s she’s willing to bring into her life, what does that say about her? That says that she thinks this is acceptable. That’s what she believes she’s due. That’s her worth. That’s what she thinks she’s worth.
John: It’s been several years, right? So, he’s never going to leave his wife.
Alexandra: I feel like we all have to talk in clichés, because we all have to say the classic thing, you know: “If he’s willing to cheat on her this long then he certainly will cheat on you,” and “Beth, you just deserve better,” you know, I feel like we’re speaking clichés.
Jeremy: She has a history with him and he said he loves her, and she really feels like this is it, of course, but no. Absolutely.
John: My advice to her would be: Leave him, get on with your life sweetheart, because it’s never going to happen. Several years and he hasn’t left his wife? He’s not going to do it now.
Jeremy: You deserve better, and you need to know that. That this is not acceptable. You deserve someone who will treat you and make you a priority. You do not have to settle for this person who happens to be married to someone else.
Alexandra: And if you feel like you can’t do that, then tell yourself you’re playing hard-to-get and see how he reacts to that. If he easily forgets you and moves you out of his life then, obviously, he didn’t care.
KP: You know, well, we should talk about the other side of this. What if it’s too hard for him to leave? What if there’s something that isn’t allowing him to do that? We don’t know any of that.
Jeremy: Then that’s his problem and not hers.
KP: No… right… but I just think that
Jeremy: Or maybe she’s making that her problem…
KP: She is making it her problem by saying “I think he should leave.” I’m wondering if he thinks he should leave too. Has he ever said that? She doesn’t indicate that he’s ever said that.
Jeremy: I’ve seen this situation many times because of the work that we do, right…
Jeremy: And so we see this… and she said two years, right?
Jeremy: Seriously! So, it’s a pattern with them of acceptance. And, I really feel, I really believe that this can be interpreted to show how she feels about herself. She really believes that this is what she’s worth.
John: What she should have done was, at the beginning of the relationship: “I love you, I love you, I love you, leave your wife and then call me.” That’s what she should have done.
KP: And now you’re saying she should leave.
John: Yeah, she shouldn’t be a part of it. Absolutely. She shouldn ‘t want to be a part of it.
Jeremy: If you’re going to stick this out. If you want to stick this out, be prepared for the situation to not evolve beyond this point. Be prepared to live the same way you are right now with him ten years down the road you will have the same situation.
Alexandra: Sure, I think Beth needs to think really hard about what she needs out of a relationship.
KP: What she wants out of a relationship.
Jeremy: What she deserves.
Alexandra: Yeah, because if she wants this sort of situation which she’s not quite committed to, fine! She’s in a win-win situation. But, if she doesn’t, then she’s going to have to find it elsewhere.
KP: Get some inner strength, I think that’s part of the other thing, too. She doesn’t have enough self-esteem, she doesn’t have enough inner strength right now this is good enough. Like you said. This is good enough, and it’s not good enough.
Jeremy: No, everyone deserves a dedicated spouse… Everyone deserves… or partner.
John Or partner.
KP: So, we all have the opinion that basically we think you should leave. We think that you’re worth more. We think that you shouldn’t wait out. What do you all think? Please come and join the discussion.
Tips for the Day:
1.) If he claims he’ll leave his wife after a long period of time and he hasn’t, he won’t.
2.) You might need to move on. It sounds like he’s just pulling you along.
3.) You deserve someone who’s dedicated to you, not weighing the choice between two people.
How would you solve this problem?
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